Showing off my apples in the Garden of Eden.

Just found out how much money my students are actually coming from today.  The topic came up when one of my youngin's mentioned she was awarded a prize for an English contest.  (Where is this contest and how can I enter?  I'd annihilate these kids.)  Needless to say, I tried correcting her decimal placement, etc.  No.  No.  Just no.  The kids banded together to share how much inhabits their bank accounts, not to gloat but to educate a clearly misguided Canadian teacher.  Let's just say that the last thing said was "you don't even have enough room for your decimal now".  Some of these kids are going to have a happy 19th.

I took a cultural leap of faith today.  The typical thing to do in a Korean changing room or bathhouse is just strip naked from the get-go.  All-skin-once-you're-in.  Koreans never got the shame or self-conscious memos from Adam and Eve.  Now, while I'm not overly timid to begin with, there's something to be said for going all-out in your birthday suit around fifty other guys celebrating their birthdays too.  But, like a true Roman, I took a gulp, gave myself a pinch to keep up appearances and dropped the fabric.  I didn't get the round of applause I was expecting, but I was content to hide in the corner and be the bashful white guy nobody noticed.

Or so I thought.

Turns out everybody wants to see what Canadians are equipped with.  I instantly felt like the generously-chested girl at a party, except the glances I got were far less subtle and a little bit lower.  Walking through the showers was like a military drill line.  As soon as I'd enter anyone's peripheral, it was "see the white guy, take a look".  Practically choreographed, and perfectly blatant.  I think one guy deserves a Nobel Prize in optics for his method of using five mirrors to negotiate two corners in the shower to take a peek.  Buddy was across the room and around the side, but there he was in the mirror-in-the-mirror-in-the-mirror (etc.), just GAZING at my second-best feature.  FML.

Actual size.

Happy Birthday, Nick

Hope it's a good one.

About to be busted for looking too good.

The Hamburglar learns English

• Some pretty funny shit has happened this week.  It's been a good couple days.  I hit Costco with some coworkers, and boy is that a mixed bag of feelings.  I mean, it *is* Costco... but it's just, WRONG.  It's not quite right.  There's still your red with white lettering signs hanging over the deli, you've got the middle aisles covered in clothing and books, you've got massive boxes of sixteen bottles of orange juice.  But the prices are WHACKED, the food is only marginally-recognizable, and ... yeah.  I'll probably still get a membership.
  
• One of my students cracked me up today.  A little eager kid, a little overweight maybe, and by Korean standards not North American.  We were discussing the concept of good and bad morality, about crime, mysteries, solving puzzles, etc.  The word "steal" came up, and I tend to be fairly animated when I explain things to my kids.  So I hypothesized about stealing one kid's eraser, and asked the class whether it was good or bad, "stealing is bad, teacher!" etc.  Then I pretended to steal a bunch of food from the imaginary grocery store, "stealing is bad, teacher!" etc.  Then... then I pretended to steal food from McDonalds.  Oh boy.  "TEACHER HOW??!!"  This kid screamed.  Wide-eyed and mouth open, he just had to know.  How do you knock off a burger at McD's.  "TEEEACHER HOW?!?"  I've never laughed so hard.
  
• Went exploring a certain neighbourhood yesterday.  One of my friends will be coming to Seoul shortly, and I wanted to take a peek around her area just to make sure I could help her get settled.  Coolest area, really.  Tons to do.  I hardly got to see the half of it.  And ritzy, too.  There's some money here.  It's the Rodeo Drive of Seoul, at least in the Gangnam region.
  
  
  

  

  You ever see a building you just knew you had to pee in?

• Found the Lotte building in Hanti.  This is the Tiffany's of shopping in my area.  Some really expensive stuff here.  The creepy part about this store though, is the staff.  They stand like soldiers, perfectly still except for a short bow as soon as a customer passes.  They all stand at their station, in perfect rows behind their counters, staring straight ahead.  No talking, moving, chewing, blinking.  Just, still.
  This is in complete contrast to the many small stalls littered around Seoul, where the clerks will ask you to wait a second before selling you their wares because their favourite TV show is almost over.  "Come back in ten minutes" is not uncommon.
  
• I'm going to drop a few airhorn blasts in the Lotte building sometime.  That'll be a riot.
  
• I also found the seedy underbelly of Gangam.  Redlight district, if I may.  Dozens of love motels, massage parlours with curtains,  and "barbers".  The last one makes me laugh.  Either these hairdressers have chosen a truly horrible place to open their businesses, or brothels are trying too hard to appear legit.  Either way, she butchered my hair.
  
  

  

  Hard to read, but the school's name is "Slow Reading School".
  You should probably enroll your kid somewhere else.

  

  Severance Hospital.
  I think I'd rather just walk it off.

  

  This place rules.  Logo looks like a star finally swallowed Mario instead.

  

  You don't get this stuff often at home.  This guy was three bucks.
  A slab of beef, though?  Eight dollars a pound.

  
  
  

Ole Ole Ole (Long post)

Barcelona FC vs. Korea League Allstars game. Here's the whole story.

My elevator is built for checking yourself out.

• Super-hot day today.  Walked outside and my body just said "Whoooaaaa fuck this..."  I needed a new shirt by the time I reached the curb.
  
• There's a Che Guevara-shaped sweat stain on my t-shirt.  Hmm.  Even my own body thinks I'm a poser.
  
• Getting to the stadium was a hike but I learned about the express subway line.  This baby skips 5 stations at a time.  This will make getting around so much easier.
  
• Stopped for a Burger King dinner before the game.  Wow, nice, they had my meal ready and waiting for me before I'd even ordered it!  How thoughtful.  And believe me, MMmmmm, it tasted just as awful as home.  What a treat.
  
• Hahaha the security guy at this bank building is a young twenty-something with a trendy haircut, in tight jeans and a hawaiian shirt.  His coiled earpiece cord dangling through his popped collar to his gun holstered in his pants, awfully close to his Miami Vices.  Hope the safety is on.
  
• There isn't a second to stop and look around when you're on a Seoul sidewalk.  Nobody honours the walk-on-the-right rule, so you're constantly dodging people in an angry battle for the sidewalk.  Might make a good movie.  "Bruce Willis in... The Pedestrian".  Mopeds will often try to squeeze through the crowd in a dangerous contempt for the road.  God knows why... it can't be faster.  The occasional truck will part the crowd like the Red Sea to deliver to the front of a busy store.
  
• Sweet jesus titty cinnamon it's pouring outside.  I was sweating a minute ago and now I can see street market lobsters jumping out of their tanks making a break for it.
  
• Pedestrians have opted for life preservers over their umbrellas.  That's a little foreboding.
  
• Water is just flowing down this avenue.  I'm waiting for the annual Asian Bodysurfing competition to start on this street.  I need an asian to stand on.
  
• Vehicles have tails behind them like jetskis.
  
• Alright I'm at the game.  World Cup Stadium is pretty big, but nothing to write home about.  Sort of like I'm writing home about it ... right ... now.
  
  
  
  
• 
  
• Messi isn't slated to start on the field but we all have a good feeling about seeing a few minutes from him.  He's dressed and on the bench.
  
• The stadium is barely one-third filled, lol.  This place was built for World-Cup sized crowds, not this.  Sad.
  
• 
  
• KLeague scores about ten seconds after I stopped recording my opening video (below).  It was a tough angle but I mean, these guys are Asian.  What can't they do with a little practice?
  
• Messi is stretching.  The cameras are on him more often than any player actually on the field.
  
• BFC tied it up.  Dirty fake and a cannon to the other corner.
  
• Messi is on!
  
• Wow, he's scored twice in ten minutes, and he's off again.  That's the last time I trash-talk him.  Came on, did his business, and left everyone laughing.  Much like when I took that one girl home.  :P
  
• More videos for you folks too good for pictures.
  

Agyrophobia

• God damn I hate riding the city buses here. I'm certain that the bus drivers in Seoul are the people that never passed the taxi driver's exam. They're the rejects of an already-bad driving school.
  
  
• Pumping the brakes, yeah, I know it works in certain situations. I really don't think the reverse logic translates to the accelerator.
  
  
• You can simply never let go on the bus. You'll be prone in no time. I caught a young heel-wearing girl (big surprise there) yesterday. Still have a D&G imprint on my chest from her purse. I pray it's not a knockoff, I really don't need a lead infection this week.
  
  
• The driving is jerky, all turns are ninety degrees (throws the wheel and reaches for the handbrake, I'm sure) and the gas pedal is like a counting horse. One stomp for slow, two for mid-speed, three stomps for fast. Driver grins like a fucking horse, too.
  
  
• If you ever wonder where all these people with dirt or gravel on their lips come from, I bet they just got off a long bus ride.
  
  
• Korean car enthusiasts don't understand the 0 to 60 metric for car performance. All Korean cars do that. Instantly.
  
  
• Lastly, I've figured out my three-point stance for safe bus riding. Two feet planted firmly on the ground, shoulder-width apart, and one hand raised just above the crowd; flipping off the driver.