First steps West

This is going to be a collection of my thoughts and musings while travelling to and inside Korea. I hope my humour translates well enough in written form.

Because God knows it doesn't translate here in Korea. And so we will begin...

• Early flight out of Pearson. Separated from family tear-free, like Johnson's baby shampoo.
  
  




• This was my first flight in years, evidenced by the ten finger-sized indentations left in the armrests of seat 14A during takeoff.
  
  
• Small nap on 80-minute flight to Chicago. Totally recharged. Beginning of power-nap superpower? Will investigate further.
  
  
• O'Hare is massive. Overhead direction signs decided to stop pointing me to Terminal 5 after a few turns. Where the heck am I?
  
  
• Luggage loading guys have their own broadway show going on. Last time I saw that much flamboyant flailing and arm-waving was the Italy - Slovakia game.
  
  
• Damn, Terminal 5 is almost a half-mile separate from the domestic terminals. The foreigners all gather here, while the Americans mosey around the main area. Is this racist segregation, or a courtesy to foreigners? Can't it be both?
  
  




• My bags are being loaded onto the plane by a truck labelled "Scrub Inc.". Looks like I'm doing some shopping when I land.
  
  
• Grant: Lafonda served me my McBreakfast this morning, hair swirl and all. I nearly called you. "I got six agg mackmuffanz but I can talk".
  
  
• Korean kids are adorable. This one young guy was trying to load his family's 50lb for about ten minutes and never got it off the ground. Refused his dad's help the whole time, until an airline worker one-armed it onto the scale. Kid just stared in amazement, mouth open. I nearly peed myself laughing.
  
  
• Bizkids ignore this entry; but I'm pretty sure I just got taken for 20 points on a currency exchange. On a worse note, it's the first time I've had three currencies in my wallet at once and still managed to be flat-broke.
  
  
• I'm on a plane with a Terran Marine painted on the side I SHIT YOU NOT. If my pilot decides to load up the beta mid-flight I'm taking the parachute. Not even Koreans are that good at micro.
  
  




• Chicagoans? Chicagans? Chicagonans?
  
  
• If I see that Spanish goal on the overhead screens ONE MORE TIME... AAaaargh.
  
  
• Flight just began boarding. This is some tight shit right here in the loading corridor. I think BP calls this the Junk Shot.
  
  
• Whoa, this is weird. Names being called over the PA during boarding, I wondered what my name would sound like over the PA. It's called as I think about it.
  
  
• Most magnificent butchering of my name I've ever heard. Middle name and all. This pronunciation was a thing of genius. There was a K in there somewhere, and a soft G I think. Let's go see what they want.
  
  
• Just got a seat upgrade. Love this.
  
  
• Just gave up the new seat to a husband wanting to sit next to his family. Feeling like a hero now, but I bet in 13 hours I'm gonna want to kill that guy over the aisle seat.
  
  
• How's the quality of Korean Air you ask? Two words: paper slippers.
  
  
• Got a screen in front of me, a bunch of new movies, and nothing but time. Nice.
  
  
• Much smoother take-off for me this time. This plane is a boat though; must have used a mile of runway.
  
  
• Well Clash of the Titans was a miss. Ugh.
  
  
• Korean bibimap is delicious. I'm gonna enjoy this new diet.
  
  
• Just saw American Beauty in its entirety. What a brilliant movie. Spacey nails his character.
  
  
• Korean Air stewardesses are stunningly beautiful. Whoever it was that told me Korean women are some of the prettiest in the world is the same person that can explain why my fold-down table seems to have uprighted itself...
  
  
• I will let your imaginations conjure an analogy for how sore my ass is right now. Nine hours in.
  
  
• Just handed a steamed towel. Are you sure I can just do this right here in front of everybody?
  
  
• Omg gross that guy just wiped his steamed ass towel all over his fa--- ooooohhh I get it. Think I need a new towel.
  
  
• Several of my friends will try to disown me over this comment but I've listened to Thank Me Later about four times through and I find most of it to be brilliant. I'm so glad I brought my audio studio equipment to Seoul. That's right, friends. Surprise.
  
  
• Wonder if I will regret packing a preamp instead of a pillow. Pillows don't have phantom power. Love you, Mbox.
  
  
• Slippers, OJ, face towels, tea, coffee, snacks... all for free. What the HELL is wrong with Air Canada that they won't do this? I feel like I'm on Oprah with all this free stuff. "Everybody check under their seats... OXYGEN MASKS! Everybody gets OXYGEN MAAAAAASKS..." Worst episode ever.
  
  
• There's a direct relationship between how far this plane has traveled and the amount of feeling left in my legs.
  
  
• "This hand towel has a sterilizing effect". I think every guy has one of those.
  
  
• Crazy turbulence for the last few hours. Brings me back to the old days riding Minebuster at Wonderland. Except turbulence doesn't make me want to throttle the designer of the ride. Best punishment for the Minebuster designer would just be to make him ride it a dozen times naked.
  
  
•