In Livid Colour

As if I have a blog.

I learned to colour in between the lines.

• In case you hadn't noticed, I've added some pictures and videos to the blog, finally. I managed to find a usb cable downtown. Hopefully this adds some flair to this already ostentatious memoir.
  
  See, someone told me that Blackberry hadn't made it to Korea yet, and therefore usb cables that fit smart phones are impossible to find. I was skeptical, because this place has wireless internet in the butthole of the country, HD tv's in grocery stores and nine of ten preschoolers at our academy have more expensive cell phones than we teachers do. Can't find a usb cable, you say? Pffft.
  
  I visited Technomart. The clerk climbed a ladder to the attic, dusted off an old wooden box, cracked the lid and pulled out an ancient-looking, long-forgotten technology in Korea, known as the USB 2.0 cable. Then he laughed with his buddies over his Bluetooth Jawbone headset and played dominos with PC motherboards while watching his 3D television playing pirated movies that haven't even left the theatre yet.
  
  
• I promised I'd provide some proof about the whacky pricing of groceries here.
  
  
  These are ten dollar grapes.



This orange costs 3 and a half dollars.




Enjoy your eleven dollar watermelon.




Five apples? Sixteen dollars. Nineteen if you want green ones.


• This is me afraid to die.
  

• This video is for Nik.

Button Mashing

• Bought a cell phone the other day, but recently learned that there's practically no such thing as T9 predictive English texting in Korea. Either fork out wads of cash for a recently-imported iPhone 4G or live with multikey texting. I miss RIM like there's no tomorrow. Why didn't I unlock my Tour before I left???
  
  

Love Lockdown

• Hiked up to the North Seoul tower today. The tower's on a mountain, and our small group decided to forego the cable car and just hoof it. While I wouldn't call it a mistake, per se, I think we'd all agree that this was as good a decision as cyclical birth control.
  
  I don't know if you heard me counting but I did over a thousand.
  
  
• Think I shed a few pounds on the hike up here. It's hot, humid, and we were kinda racing. I pity anyone standing within ten feet of me.
  
  
• Took a few pics for the fans back home, overlooking the city. I can't upload them yet but hold your breath. Edit: here they is.
  
  
  
  
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• I have mad respect for the Korean women who make the hike up this mountain staircase in heels. I shit you not. And there are dozens of them. Heels aren't a fashion accessory in Seoul, they're an indication of whether you think you're a hot woman. Continued:
  
  
• Korea, in many ways, is still in the 50's or 60's in terms of women's rights. Madmen looks like a documentary to these folks. PDA is everywhere, and I don't mean affection. This is public displays of abuse. It's not uncommon to see a backhand or two to the wife or kids if daddy doesn't sober up before being told bad news. I've heard stories of a few kids coming to school with shiners, but haven't witnessed any of this myself yet. I hope I never do.
  
  
• There's an out-of-date mural at the Seoul tower showing various heights of the world's towers. The CN is still listed as the tallest, and I puff my chest a little. Luckily the Burj Dubai hasn't been mentioned yet, and they won't be hearing it from me.
  
  
  
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• Here's a cute little factoid: (pictures to be added shortly) the whole perimeter of the lookout fencing at the tower is covered with hanging padlocks. Each has a date and a pair of lovers' names on it, symbolizing their committed affection at the top of the world. Cute, but the magic dies when you see the groundskeeper come along to sodomize their relationship with metal shears when he rids the "viewing" fence of these mementos. Apparently only certain sections of the fence are permitted, the others get the snip. Hopefully these kids were smart and took out pre-nups.
  
  
  
• Scoured the tower fence for my love lock section. Couldn't find the locks dedicated to me. Must be further up. I'm feeling robbed.
  
  
  
• Kanye West's "Love Lockdown" keeps playing in my head.
  
  
• I bought a cell phone today. I played the store owner like a fiddle, too. Got him to cover his display case with different models and accessories, opened every package and turned on each phone, discussed every single phone plan while I only intend to use pay as I go minutes, kept him from serving other customers ( a little greedy, but this is one of dozens of similar stores on the street), I showed eager interest, but then scoffed in his face and walked away when he mentioned the price. Sucker hollered after me, dropped the price and threw in a new battery and two months of free minutes. I doubt he made any money tonight.
  
  
• Finally, we'll be hiring a cleaning lady to do a once-over of the apartment before I switch rooms. But not just any cleaning lady, a Phillippino cleaning lady. Are Phillippinos internationally-recognized as the world's best cleaners? What the hell? Even KOREANS know who to call in for a maid. Unreal. We need more Lemon Pledge.
  
  

Lightweight Belt

Brokeback Mountain Anime
"I can't quit you"

• Sounds like I caused a little trouble at the bar last night. Typical me stuff, nothing malicious. Problem is I have little recollection of it. Again. As of this post I have decided to let up on the soju until I can get a grip on how this stuff hits me. Fucking lightweight.
  
  
  
  
• Went for my run this morning instead of going to the sunday afternoon pickup soccer. I had figured that since it's vacation week, nobody would show. Most are travelling. I was wrong, and missed a good game. Damn.
  
  
• On my run though, I passed under one of the bridges arching the creek, and it had a whole bunch of tents and people under it. One friendly Korean tried her best English to offer me an iced tea (I was bleeding sweat by this point). I asked what the event was, and it turned out to be free walk-by counselling. Seriously. "For the health," they explained. Only in Korea, sheesh. These counselors were offering free advice, and the clients were telling their life story to complete strangers. Both sound a lot like me after a few drinks.
  
  Also... there was a computer terminal under this bridge and a stereo system connected to it, with an LCD screen showing mental health documentaries. I asked where the internet was connected (we're in the middle of nowhere), and the lady just waves her hands around.
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  It was wifi. Korea has wifi under bridges, in the boonies, by a creek. FML.
  

Paint the Town

• Tonight is a going-away party for some of the teachers. I'm kind of bummed about it because one of the guys was sort of a mentor to me as I arrived. I'm more-or-less replacing this guy, so I've really gotten to know him well. He'll be missed.
  
  
• Gah, this experience in Korea is still kinda surreal. Most mornings I wake up expecting to be in Ontario.

Another year and still no regrets.

Happy birthday, Fox.

It's all coming together

• YUUUSSSSS. Played pickup soccer today. God DAMN it feels good to be back on the horse. I was a little lagged because I also ran 4k this morning, but I played to the point of absolute exhaustion. I have butterflies. This is a regular thing, so I'll be back next week. Giddy giddy giddy giddy
  
  
• Ran into a dude from Nashville. It was another one of those "oh hey, white guy" moments. This guy was special. Here's how the conversation went.
  
  -Me: "Hey man. What's up?"
  - Nash: "Howdy" (Seriously)
  -Me: "Where you from? Toronto here."
  -Nash: "I'm fram Nashville, Tannasee. Been hurr long?"
  -Me: "No man, landed last week. You?"
  -Nash: "Three weeks muhself. GITTIN' used to things though."
  **By this point he looks like he's milking it**
  -Me: "Alright, cool, man. Uh, this is my stop, so I'll see you later *eh*?" (I had to.)
  -Nash: (Big arm swing) "Y'alright then. Stay on yer horse."
  - ...
  -Me: "PFFFFFFFTT hahahahaha really? Really. That's a thing? Stay on your -- stay on your horse."
  -Nash: "What"
  -Me: "Oh come on. Okay fuck, igloos beavers hockey. Keep your puck on the ice."
  
  He forced a chuckle then found a seat on the train, half-waved, then looked straight ahead. If I ever see this hick again I'm gonna ramp it up even more.
  

Excuse me, can I borrow your Korean?

• Raining really hard all morning. Morning plans: fucked.
  
  
• I made it to Techno Mart, finally. The train ride here was gorgeous, it cuts across the Han river all lit up at night, which has dim lights following the entire length of the tree-lined shoreline-sidewalk. Where's my girl when I need her...
  
  
• I've got a laundry list of electronics to buy, but it's clear I'm gonna need to focus on this one item at a time. Techno Mart looks like about two hundred small electronics vendors got together and laid siege to the PWC building on Bay St. They set up their shops any way they can, and they all sell similar merchandise.
  
  
• The fact that these guys have similar stock means I can haggle them against each other. Ask me if I'm looking forward to this, just ask me. Haven't done any price-negotiating since my Miovision days.
  
  
• I'm looking for the best price on the FujiFilm F80, which runs $299 before tax in Canada. There's no way in hell I'd be able to compare models or discuss details without a Korean buddy here to interpret. I'm toying with asking that American down the aisle if I could recruit his Korean girlfriend for a minute...
  
  
• Haggled a half-dozen vendors down against each other. It's closing time, and so far I have offers starting at 400,000KRW to 340,000KRW. This is for the camera, HDMI cable, two 4GB 300kbps memory cards and a spare battery. Not shabby, considering there's no tax added. Works out to $309 CAD for the package. I'll be back next week to try to pin them even lower. This time next week I'll have my Korean bank account, so I will have the ability to wave cash in their faces to show them I'm serious. God I missed this.
  
  
• Omg short skirts.
  
  
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Blood, Sweat and Peers

• Tits it's hot. I've been in a constant state of mild-sweating since I picked up my luggage from Incheon International. It's not overly hot compared to Toronto temperatures when I left, but it's crazy humid here. I'm sweating away my heard-earned Canadian winter fat onto a puddle on the floor.
  
  
• Haven't been able to run in a few days on account of the grape-sized blisters I've conceded from the last few outings. I figured they were gone though, as I could walk normally this morning. This was until one of the little Korean preschoolers pointed out in decent English that my "pants are bleeding". As I correct the misguided student and tell him pants cannot bleed, I find myself eating my words when I look down at the Carrie-like scene unfolding at my feet. I need some new shoes.
  
  
• Downloading is super-fast here. Fire up uTorrent and it might take 5 minutes to nab a Blu-Ray version of a new release. Kai, I don't know if that speedtest is evidence of the true rate or not, but I'll try to grab a screen of my trackers next time I have a bunch going. The trick is to snap PrntScr before they all finish. :)
  
  
• Wow, this school is hard work. 11 hour days this week, and I'll be going in both weekend days. It'll calm down in a few weeks when the majority of my prep work is done. I love the challenge, though. Teaching career? Unlikely, but slowly becoming a possibility.
  
  
• You can't help but eat well here. Healthy-well. Food is as outrageously cheap as it is good for you. A meal to the point of satisfaction, not fullness, will run you under $5 CAD. We're talking vegetables and legumes, plenty of rice, sprouts, soup, light protein. It's the protein that's the adventure, though. Haven't had chicken since I've landed, but I think I've eaten every animal with more than four legs or tentacles.
  
  
  
  
• I gotta say, Seoul is not all that different from Toronto. There's been minimal culture shock, really. The language is different, sure, but you've still got your brand-name shopping, your Starbucks franchise chains everywhere (or the more popular Paris Baguette, presumably because nobody could find the "Stallbucks"), subway system, buses everywhere, similar make cars (around here there are hundreds of BMW and Benz, but this is Beverly Hills Seoul in my area). You've got your Gucci and CK clothes, short skirts (<-- this needs a full post sometime) and angry drivers, cabs, temperate weather, fastfood options among bank branches, billboards and ads everywhere, skyscrapers and strip malls, etc. Seoul is a lot like Toronto, but without as many asians.
• Meeting foreigners is a breeze. Several groups that I've introduced myself to mention the Woodstock bar that I visited two nights ago. Played a drinking game with a hottie from L.A. and then met a Virginian dancer there, so maybe there's some substance to this claim. If only I had a job where I made lots of money, had nothing better to spend it on, and had weekends free...
  
  I have some work to do this weekend, friends. Catch you on the sober side.

This Orderly Conduct

• F&*king hell. What a flustercuck of a morning. Arriving aliens need to visit the Seoul Office of Immigration within a month of landing, and my number was up today. I just knew something was amiss, though. No state-run activity in a foreign language is ever going to go off without a hitch, and this morning had more hitches than a low-income neighbourhood in Tennessee.
  
  
• You'd figure that a process involving largely foreign applicants, most of whom speak English, would be run by English-speaking personnel. Let's throw a wrench in there and just skip that irrelevant step, shall we, Seoul?
  
  
• Took a number, waited my 15mins. Approach the desk. After much Webster page-flipping and the most Random House conversation with the desk clerk, it becomes clear-ish that I need to visit floors 2 and 3 before I can come back downstairs. To take another goddamn number.
  
  
• Turns out I need original documents to apply for this form. Originals of my criminal check, originals of my passport, and my original degree. They'd keep them for a week. I wish I knew more Korean, because this was a glowing opportunity to use it. Roughly translated, I believe I said "Walk towards hell."
  
  
• So now I'm outside the main building in search of a satellite immigration office. It's pouring. I'm delivering some Korean paperwork that has my signature but which I have no idea of its meaning. I could be enlisting in the national reserves for all I know.
  
  
• After two more visits to the desk clerk (and just as many take-a-number waits) his broken English apologizes for making me run around unnecessarily when he should have seen the filled-out form at the bottom of the pile I handed him. Which is apparently what I've just spent my morning preparing for him. He laughs it off in typical Korean fashion and we both have a delightful afternoon. [This post edited for profanity.]
  
  
• Korean ATMs. Here's an adventure in international business. See, just as we've all become accustomed to seeing the Chinese characters top-right of our own Toronto ATMs for the purpose of changing the language, these ATMs have a glowing red "English" button. Upon pressing said button, three options are presented; foreign chequing, foreign savings, and foreign credit advance. Reasonable. What's not reasonable is how there is no longer ANY ENGLISH after this step. It's like the programmer just forgot. I have navigated four ATMs out of button-position alone, hoping that "Enter" and "Cancel" are in their proper positions, and that I didn't hit the "Donate" or "Empty it All" buttons by mistake. Scorched-Earth banking.
  
  
• Went for Japanese-American sushi for dinner. Food was good, reasonably priced, but the servings came in 8 small-sized rolls, one plate apiece. For anyone living in the tri-cities area, you'll understand when I say this is no Ye's. And I miss Ye's.

Shades of Grey

• Damn. Can't come to terms with how gorgeous some of these Korean women are. Don't get me wrong, it's not like all of them are flawless; there's a healthy population of Korean women you could rate on one hand. On a day-to-day basis though, I probably see two or three stunningly beautiful Koreans in my neighbourhood. Then again, there's a good chance I've just been bumping into the same woman every time. I can't tell yet.
  
  
• Got my Health Check and urine test done in a foreign country. It was nothing like my dreams.
  
  
• Odd procedure. No lid on the little SpongeBob dixie cup, no English instructions, just a nurse pointing to the men's room and an impatient glare. Although I did have some guy in the bathroom offer to hold it for me while I filled it. He meant the cup, right? He'd hold the cup?
  
  
• Just shared a dude-awkward moment with a Korean doctor. Of all the English he learned in medical school, I bet you any money that phrases like "is that an okay smell", "can you hold my piss cup", "I filled it to the line, do I get a sticker" and "sorry 'bout the spill" were not covered in his 101.
  
  
• No samurai sword wounds in the emergency ward. Don't worry, I checked. You would, too. Admit it.
  
  

Location, location, vocation

Posts won't be this frequent from here on, but there were a few items I thought needed mentioning.

07/09:

• Unbelievable. Just found my apartment and the location couldn't be better. 2 minutes from the school, 2 minutes from the subway station.
  
  


• Most impressive is this: some of you know I'm getting back into running (formerly "yogging") and guess what this guy found... behind my apartment is a creek. This creek has trails running on either side of it across Seoul. And these trails are not pavement, but rubber track. My face exploded from smile fury when I saw this. I'm hitting this baby hard tomorrow morning.
  
  


• 8pm - Sitting on my balcony looking at the Seoul North Tower across the Han River. Ask me Wednesday of last week whether I thought I'd be here right now. Kind of surreal.

07/10:

• Back in Hongdae, will try to retain consciousness this time. Got B-O drunk my first time.
  
  


• 3:30am at the bar, and who's watching the Germany game after all? This guy. Suck my crossbar, Suarez.

07/11:

• No idea what I just ate. I really hope it wasn't a domestic animal. Neat experience ordering food alone in a foreign language. Will know in an hour whether this was a good idea.
  
  
• Found a guitar store. Watch out.
  
  
• Gonna need to learn to sit cross-legged comfortably, and soon. The Korean that invented the table died before he could invent the chair. True story.
  
  


• The accepted alternative to standing is the "pop-a-squat". I give myself three weeks to catch a pic of a squatter in a compromising position that resembles a teabagging. Game on.

07/12:

• First day shadowing teachers in class. These kids have crazy energy. Someone should slip some soju in their lunch beverages, and we'd all have a quieter day. I jest.
  
  
• Settled into a decent routine. Did 4k down the creek this morning, came home to shower and change, then grabbed breakfast at the cafe on the corner. Made it to work 15mins early, too.
  
  

First steps West

This is going to be a collection of my thoughts and musings while travelling to and inside Korea. I hope my humour translates well enough in written form.

Because God knows it doesn't translate here in Korea. And so we will begin...

• Early flight out of Pearson. Separated from family tear-free, like Johnson's baby shampoo.
  
  




• This was my first flight in years, evidenced by the ten finger-sized indentations left in the armrests of seat 14A during takeoff.
  
  
• Small nap on 80-minute flight to Chicago. Totally recharged. Beginning of power-nap superpower? Will investigate further.
  
  
• O'Hare is massive. Overhead direction signs decided to stop pointing me to Terminal 5 after a few turns. Where the heck am I?
  
  
• Luggage loading guys have their own broadway show going on. Last time I saw that much flamboyant flailing and arm-waving was the Italy - Slovakia game.
  
  
• Damn, Terminal 5 is almost a half-mile separate from the domestic terminals. The foreigners all gather here, while the Americans mosey around the main area. Is this racist segregation, or a courtesy to foreigners? Can't it be both?
  
  




• My bags are being loaded onto the plane by a truck labelled "Scrub Inc.". Looks like I'm doing some shopping when I land.
  
  
• Grant: Lafonda served me my McBreakfast this morning, hair swirl and all. I nearly called you. "I got six agg mackmuffanz but I can talk".
  
  
• Korean kids are adorable. This one young guy was trying to load his family's 50lb for about ten minutes and never got it off the ground. Refused his dad's help the whole time, until an airline worker one-armed it onto the scale. Kid just stared in amazement, mouth open. I nearly peed myself laughing.
  
  
• Bizkids ignore this entry; but I'm pretty sure I just got taken for 20 points on a currency exchange. On a worse note, it's the first time I've had three currencies in my wallet at once and still managed to be flat-broke.
  
  
• I'm on a plane with a Terran Marine painted on the side I SHIT YOU NOT. If my pilot decides to load up the beta mid-flight I'm taking the parachute. Not even Koreans are that good at micro.
  
  




• Chicagoans? Chicagans? Chicagonans?
  
  
• If I see that Spanish goal on the overhead screens ONE MORE TIME... AAaaargh.
  
  
• Flight just began boarding. This is some tight shit right here in the loading corridor. I think BP calls this the Junk Shot.
  
  
• Whoa, this is weird. Names being called over the PA during boarding, I wondered what my name would sound like over the PA. It's called as I think about it.
  
  
• Most magnificent butchering of my name I've ever heard. Middle name and all. This pronunciation was a thing of genius. There was a K in there somewhere, and a soft G I think. Let's go see what they want.
  
  
• Just got a seat upgrade. Love this.
  
  
• Just gave up the new seat to a husband wanting to sit next to his family. Feeling like a hero now, but I bet in 13 hours I'm gonna want to kill that guy over the aisle seat.
  
  
• How's the quality of Korean Air you ask? Two words: paper slippers.
  
  
• Got a screen in front of me, a bunch of new movies, and nothing but time. Nice.
  
  
• Much smoother take-off for me this time. This plane is a boat though; must have used a mile of runway.
  
  
• Well Clash of the Titans was a miss. Ugh.
  
  
• Korean bibimap is delicious. I'm gonna enjoy this new diet.
  
  
• Just saw American Beauty in its entirety. What a brilliant movie. Spacey nails his character.
  
  
• Korean Air stewardesses are stunningly beautiful. Whoever it was that told me Korean women are some of the prettiest in the world is the same person that can explain why my fold-down table seems to have uprighted itself...
  
  
• I will let your imaginations conjure an analogy for how sore my ass is right now. Nine hours in.
  
  
• Just handed a steamed towel. Are you sure I can just do this right here in front of everybody?
  
  
• Omg gross that guy just wiped his steamed ass towel all over his fa--- ooooohhh I get it. Think I need a new towel.
  
  
• Several of my friends will try to disown me over this comment but I've listened to Thank Me Later about four times through and I find most of it to be brilliant. I'm so glad I brought my audio studio equipment to Seoul. That's right, friends. Surprise.
  
  
• Wonder if I will regret packing a preamp instead of a pillow. Pillows don't have phantom power. Love you, Mbox.
  
  
• Slippers, OJ, face towels, tea, coffee, snacks... all for free. What the HELL is wrong with Air Canada that they won't do this? I feel like I'm on Oprah with all this free stuff. "Everybody check under their seats... OXYGEN MASKS! Everybody gets OXYGEN MAAAAAASKS..." Worst episode ever.
  
  
• There's a direct relationship between how far this plane has traveled and the amount of feeling left in my legs.
  
  
• "This hand towel has a sterilizing effect". I think every guy has one of those.
  
  
• Crazy turbulence for the last few hours. Brings me back to the old days riding Minebuster at Wonderland. Except turbulence doesn't make me want to throttle the designer of the ride. Best punishment for the Minebuster designer would just be to make him ride it a dozen times naked.
  
  
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